Previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
You get the key, and if you don't, the fiery hells of Orcus will be upon your doorstep before you know it,
and the waves of undead that'll lash out upon you are going to end your life.
Oh, calm down, man. He'll forgive you.
Oh, I mean, yeah, here's the key.
I'm so sorry, it's no problem.
Wow, he went from 0 to 20.
Do you know, uh, an artificer?
Oh, uh, yes. What is, um, what is his name, Irish guard?
Squeaky McLemerson.
Just so happens, I need a little job done in order to finish some of my trinkets and knickknacks.
Can you be more specific?
Yep, I can be.
Next time, on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons. I'm your dungeon master, Ross More.
He, him, also with me today is Karla Maxted.
She, her, tonight playing Lipsinki Pipdigons, also she, her.
And Amy More.
Yep, that's me. I will be playing, I just spit all over myself.
I've done this before.
It's been a while.
It has been a little while.
I will be playing Thea Amastasia, she, her, and Gael Nighthunter, Ogula Kanhu, she, them.
And Kyle Clasett.
Hey everyone, he, him. I'm going to be playing Vorunax Zatrutrith.
And thanks for still letting me play with y'all. I'm going to say it every time.
No, you're just part of the game now.
Kyle's been kidnapped and we're forcing him to say that, but he's so good, it sounded sincere.
We made him end his own show. We were like, it's us or them, but there's only one right answer.
It was a dark room, there was a single light, and a car battery, and I don't, I don't, you know.
Yeah, I don't remember what else happened after that. Something about poodles.
Woke up and then there was no more podcasts, I don't know.
I feel like that was our other podcast. That was your character on our other podcast.
Right?
Yeah, absolutely. Tom is not here and that's okay.
Tom isn't here.
Cause he's, he might, he, we're not going to say it just cause this is released in the future,
but he's got reasons and we'll talk about those over on Patreon.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast where we have hangouts and tell you all of our personal stuff.
Oh that's true.
Okay, I was like where we discuss Tom without him there.
Specifically Tom.
We, we don't, but we do discuss ourselves when we hang out.
But we do discuss that one picture that Tom took when he shaved his beard off.
Oh yeah.
Cause that still lives on Patreon.
Yeah, that hunts, that hunts some people.
That was wild.
Baby face Tom.
He looked like an eight year old.
Is he nine?
It was crazy.
Yeah.
The beard really does make the man.
I'm sad that you just brought it up again.
Tom's not here.
That was information that I had previously forgotten about.
It's one of those things where you blink and you can see it.
Yeah.
He's just staring down the barrel of the lens.
Behind my eyelids now.
So when you are a patron, you get that.
I am.
But also.
Brace yourselves.
An episode dedicated to you.
Like today's patron, ALex Klein.
ALex.
Thank you so much.
Too cool.
You're amazing.
We appreciate you.
Join us today at Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast for all the pictures of Tom without a beard.
It's only one, but you get it.
One's enough.
And now fuck it, let's play.
You are on the road through the dead man's marsh to the township of news.
And now, oh, yes, township of news.
It's a beautiful, lovely sunny day.
You hear the crickets chirping off in the brush, the birds sipping overhead.
There's a little bounding otters off by a creek side.
It's just a sweet smell of just freshness and being alive is what the day smells like.
And the three of you.
How many of you are there?
Four of you.
Grant.
Francis is there.
Flint's back in.
Five of us.
Yep.
Night Hunter.
Thea.
Francis.
Lipsinki.
Donnie.
Okay.
The group of you, minus Flint, who is back in Greenis just admiring the statue of himself,
are on this road to news.
With a list in your hand of things to collect for Squeaky McLeemerson, the artificer who's
going to re-attune your ring not to the abyss but to the Avernus in the Nine Hells
so that you can find your way to the River Styx.
The list of things he needs.
Springs.
Sprinkles.
Cogs and bolts.
Raw ore.
Jelly ooze.
Scales of a fish person freely given.
Very important parenthetical.
Blood of an enemy forcefully taken.
He's creating Lord Voldemort.
Oh God.
Okay, so that's not bad.
As you are walking reviewing this list, you, the road kind of comes to a forest, narrows
a little bit, bottlenecks a little bit, and you hear off in the trees just like a
light rustle of leaves that is not normal as far as like the wind direction goes,
and like sniffles.
Somebody is doing inhAlydints in that bush.
I was going to say someone is doing coke in that bush.
Excuse me, drug addict?
Hey!
Six goblins all hop out in front of you, all with spears and large sacks that are
empty over their backs, and they have like runny eyes and their nose is like snot
covered like a child, like a three-year-old who doesn't realize that they need to
blow their nose, but it's like running down like a handlebar mustache.
Oh.
Nose a little red around the edges from the wiping or blowing, and they say,
hand over all your medical supplies.
Medical supplies? We do not have those.
Do it, and they kind of hop towards you with their spears.
Do you?
Night Hunter wants to grab a spear and whack.
I'm going to say you can freely do that.
She grabs and not like I'm going to knock you out, but very much a power
move of like yoink boink.
Actually, hold on.
Let's go.
No, she wants a yoink boink.
No, let's go competing strength saving, competing strength contest.
This is not right.
I'll roll with disadvantage.
Well, yeah, that's right, because he's sick.
Yes, he's sick.
Maybe this four weeks without playing has been a reset, and you're really
good at rolling now.
Oh, maybe.
So first one was a 19 plus one, and a second one is a six plus one.
There we go.
Or five plus one, so a six.
So you got to beat a six.
Okay.
Well, that's a five plus.
Is it this?
It's not a saving throw.
Okay.
All right.
Then 12.
I was going to say, I hope there's no plus, but it's Night Hunter.
I forgot.
Yeah.
She yoinks and boinks.
They're very strong.
Ow.
Oh, God.
Why are you threatening people?
Go to pharmacy.
They're chemists.
They don't know what we call them here.
They don't let us in the pharmacy anymore for reasons.
He puts his fingers to his nose and then says, for reasons, for those
playing the home game.
I'm uncomfortable.
Give us what you stole.
Give us what we stole.
Well, no, we used that from the pharmacy.
We did that.
We already used all that.
We have empty sacks.
We need to fill it with the medical supplies.
Hand them over.
Well, I'm not going to give you any medical supplies, but I could give you each a hanky
because it is hard just to look at your faces right now.
Thea has gone into the side of the road in the bush and is picking different wild plants.
She's rooting the shit out of us here.
What's your goal?
Herbology.
Herbalism.
Roll in nature.
You're trying to do some sort of medicinal.
Herb-ist-ness.
So you can roll medicine or nature.
Our dog smells so bad.
That's okay.
Maybe I can go in the yard and gather some wild shrubs to medicate him.
Well, nature is only a plus two, but medicine is a plus 10.
So we're going to go medicine.
Oh, there we go.
Yeah.
Okay, 21.
Okay.
Yeah, absolutely.
What do you find and how does it help?
Thea finds plantain for, I'm bullshitting here, but for a reduction of swelling.
She also finds some milkweed for congestion and some echinacea for sore throat.
Okay.
You whip that up and it's like a paste, I assume.
Yeah, it's a paste.
What are you doing with that?
Okay.
You're going to chew this.
You're going to gum it up real good.
You're going to chew it around.
It's going to taste real florally.
Okay.
You're going to keep it in your mouth for a little bit.
We'll chew it around and then you're going to swallow it.
This is great.
No one wants to listen to that.
Welcome back.
Do they?
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
And drink lots of water.
Okay.
But it didn't stop.
Well, no, it takes time.
But look, this plant, she shows the three plants.
These plants, smash them up with some of your spit.
Yeah, you totally ate my spit.
And then every couple hours.
Okay.
Every couple hours.
Everybody get that?
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
Okay.
He takes the plants from you.
So about those medical supplies then?
No, still don't have any of those.
Look, nature is medicine.
These were just in the trees.
Yeah.
I could have got these before.
Yeah.
Isn't nature a miracle?
Haven't you learned something today?
Yeah, you learned that drugs are all around you.
Son of a bitch.
Yeah, it's true.
You just got to have the willpower to get out there and find them.
Alright, Steve-o, let's go.
They start loading up their bags, rather large bags for the size of them, with all the three plants.
And you notice as you're doing it, like they mix in some poison ivy and stuff as they're going,
because they're not really paying attention.
They just kind of went and followed and there was some other stuff around.
That one's good for cleaning your rear.
Be sure to use that one there.
This one here?
Yeah, yeah.
Just like this?
Okay, yeah.
Okay, good.
Get deep in there.
Tingles.
Oh, you guys, they steal a lot of stuff.
Maybe they'll know where some of the stuff we need is.
That's true.
Wait, your boogers.
Would we consider that jelly-oos?
It's gelatinous in a way.
It's oozy, for sure.
It's definitely oozy.
I think, jelly-oo, is that not a particular thing?
Ooze from like a jelly?
I don't actually know what it is.
I thought it meant like jelly, like a jam.
You want some?
He's like dangling all over his finger.
Oh, no.
Might as well.
I'd pull out a little vial.
Just wipe it in there.
This is not okay.
That is okay.
Okay, there you go.
If anything, you can use this to track you down if you want to make any other kind of trouble for people.
So, thank you for giving me some of yourself.
Congratulations, you've been duped.
Properly.
That sounds very dangerous.
Okay, well, you've given us leaves and possibly a bounty on our heads.
We've given you slime from our faces.
All right, well, this has been nice.
We're going to wait for the next crew to come through.
We're just going to go back up into the trees here.
See you nice.
Have a great day.
Fair enough.
We carry on down this winding road, and it opens into a large valley.
And you see a town off in the distance, which you can presume to be the township of news.
And as you get closer and crest up over one final hill, like you hear off in the distance, like this loud, like sneezing, coughing coming from the town.
And it's getting louder and louder the closer you get.
And you see people walking through, like covering their mouths and just like everybody.
Same kind of situation as the goblins that you saw before, just in a bad state as far as what they look like.
And all very cold like symptoms.
I do not want to go into this town.
Oh, well, I'll be fine.
Gross.
I think is the word I'm looking for.
Although, like, look at someone coughing and you can see all the wet coming out of their mouth.
Well, I mean, I have no issues with any kind of diseases.
So, sorry, you do not catch cold.
I mean, I don't catch disease.
I don't know if this is a cold or disease or what may have where it falls under.
But if anything, the next day I can just ask for the blessing of Orcus, I guess, still.
Like this with this hand gesture, cupping, cupping, this is Orcus blessing?
Yes, yes. You just you just grab at it wherever you can.
And just get it.
Oh, gosh, how long have you been here for?
I forgot I was here.
I was I was napping kind of just, you know, like one of those walk in napping states
as old men sometimes have.
You just got to get a cup.
That's what they taught you.
We don't want to see you do that.
No, no, it's too late.
I already did.
Yeah.
Just like that. Right, Varnus?
That's how you taught me in the torture chambers.
Kansas News.
See, that's that's what it is.
I got it in.
Everybody knows that this is sort of you sort of gently you reach out and cup gently and just draw.
Cup and draw.
Sorry.
Out of out of world.
Does Grant us know this Farnox or died Farnox or?
We've we've already we've already.
Yeah, he knows all of them.
OK.
He was down in the abyss, right?
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, he knows all of them.
OK, cool.
Yeah.
So, you know, if anything, some restoration could be could be divined upon me.
So if I do catch anything.
Yeah.
And plus, you have those sweet herbs that you just.
Well, the let us know about.
Yeah.
Nature's magical.
But I don't know if there's enough herbs in the forest to deal with all these people.
Look at them all.
Oh, friendly travelers.
Hello.
Yes.
Welcome.
Come into the town of news.
Thank you.
It's a beautiful town you've got here.
Lovely, especially despite this horrid looking day.
What is wrong with everybody in this town?
Well, it was kind of sunny today.
I thought it was pretty nice.
Well, everybody, we had a big we've had a big festival there just a couple of nights ago.
The Great Market Festival.
And well, everybody after that kind of caught a little little sickness.
So, you know, we just every every now and again, every once a night,
we travel up down to up down to the mines.
The priests give us the clearing clearing out and then we're good for a day.
And then and then it comes back.
So I don't know.
Would you mind taking me through all of that again, just with maybe a little bit more sort of explanation about going into a mine to see the priests and then they clear you out?
Yeah.
OK.
Yeah, sure. My name's Mayor Carrington.
Nice to meet you all.
Because I'm sorry.
Are you the mayor or is your name Mayor or are you the mayor and your name is Mayor?
I am not the mayor.
I am the blacksmith.
But my name is Mayor M-A-E-R-E.
Mayor.
Oh, I see.
Like Metro Goldwyn.
That's it.
Yeah, that's M-A-Y-R-Y-E-R.
Yeah, but M-A-E-R-E.
Mayor Carrington.
Blacksmith.
Like the lunch meat.
Yes, exactly.
You seem like a very helpful individual.
Well, I'm trying to be, but let me explain again.
So flashback two nights ago, there was ruckus laughter and joyful music playing around.
I love Market Festival Days or whatever we call this again.
It's so markety and festivaly and fun.
Oh my gosh.
We only have these once every two years.
I can't believe it.
They should have these more often.
The candy apples.
Have you seen the candy apples?
Maybe annually.
I've had four candy apples.
Oh man, I can't wait to bob for some apples.
The event was going off just spectacularly.
Everyone was having the most joyous of times.
They brought out the big pinata for all the children to play with.
I hope I get a turn to whack at it.
I'm going to hit it so hard.
Up on the stage we had our town comic, Smeinfeld Jerry.
So what's the deal with Kobolds?
They're cowardly and run away more often than not.
Nothing bold about them.
It's funny because it's true.
That's just a regular day occurrence.
That's relatable.
After the night was done, everyone went home feeling rejuvenated.
Feeling like the day was in theirs.
It was a bit of a doldrum kind of week beforehand.
The taxes were due and everybody had...
I don't even know what else could be bad in a town like this.
The leaves were falling because it's fall.
My husband and I had a sexual drive spell that cleared up right after that festival.
Exactly.
That's how good it was, Margaret.
All the people that came through kicked all the acorns off the road
and now I don't wind up stepping on them so often and hurting my feet.
And I found a puppy.
All puppies. The best puppies.
It's the best day ever.
All of these things happened at the Great Market Festival
and then the next day everyone woke up with a sniffle.
Just like out of the blue.
It's a sniffle that wouldn't stop no matter how much they blew.
So regarding the sniffle, what did you do?
Well, we didn't know what to do.
Nothing would stop.
The usual plantain and milkweed and...
Echinacea?
Echinacea remedy that is so well known in these parts just would not do.
So what we did was, well, we were introduced by our priest
to this new way of taking care of cold-like symptoms.
It was a clearing, a divine vial that cleared the nostrils.
But the best place to do it was down in the mines of McCuss.
M, apostrophe, C-U-S, McCuss.
So we had to go down to the mines
because that's where the altar to McCuss is
and they would give us the bottle of nose cleaning
or nose clearing or something like that
which would clear the system.
But then it's come back every couple days.
So we just have to lather, rinse, repeat.
And then we got a day of clearness
and then we have to go back the next day.
Does that about catch you up?
Thank you. Yes, it did.
Are you...
Y'all are just all clearing your noses in the same spot
just the whole town?
What happens with mucus?
Thank you, Nat Hunter.
That's exactly what I was wondering.
It comes out and then...
And into the altar of McCuss.
Oh, you're farming mucus.
I mean, I guess in a sense.
That seems a really weird thing to...
As long as you are fine with it.
Turn it into your sacrifice and your snot.
McCuss gives you, like, boon?
Well, I mean, he clears the snot from our nose
which makes us feel much better for a day and a bit.
And how much do you have to pay
to have this service provided?
Oh, nothing.
The priest just takes care of it for us.
Balderdash, they're getting something out of it.
I don't believe it.
Look, you weary travelers
look like you've been going for such a long time.
Excuse me, let me go get you some water
and see if we can set you up at an inn, okay?
I'll be right back.
I've got my own water, thank you.
I'll be right back.
Does it seem like perhaps
mucus is sacrifice or tribute to God McCuss?
I feel like it's got to be.
I mean, I know I always think the worst of everybody
because, you know, evil for years and years and years.
But it's just that if you're not paying for a service
then, like, I think you're kind of more the product.
Yeah, exactly.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, they're getting something from you
and you're not giving them something.
Oh, God, do you guys think we're going to have to fight
a giant mucus monster?
I was about to say, you know...
Oh, I mean...
Orcus takes the undead or the dead and then makes undead.
This McCuss might just take mucus and make snot golems.
Giant mucus monster.
I just don't know if I can.
I'm not sure if I have the energy for that today, you guys.
I mean, you ever seen snot in a snow drift?
It just freezes.
It's rather easy to take out.
Get stuck in the second place and shatter it.
I mean, we're planning ahead for something that might not happen,
but I like it.
This is very new for us.
All right, water fresh from the well.
Here you go.
Sorry.
Sorry that took me so long.
It's hard to carry a bunch of flagons down the street.
Very kind of you.
Thank you.
Hey, what's over there?
I made sure to hold them out at a...
Who's that?
Sorry?
Who's that?
Well, that's...
And I just pour the water, like, go back.
I don't want to drink their well water.
I don't want to touch anything.
Well, that's just Enid.
She runs the post office.
Oh, I thought I recognized her, but it's somebody else.
Yeah, thanks.
Thanks.
Perhaps you could tell us where we can get some items we are looking for.
Because maybe we do not have to be in town too long.
Oh, okay.
Well, you got places to be?
Yes, to get back with this list of things that we...
What are you looking for?
Well, spring and sprinkles and cogs and bolts and raw ore and a jelly ooze.
And do you know any fish people?
Fish people?
Yeah.
Not many come through here.
We do have the stream that runs...
You might have seen it walk coming up there,
all the playful little otters that live down there.
Yeah, we did see those otters.
No fish people, per se, that I've seen there.
Some various salmon, some minnows.
Yeah, just more fish.
More fish.
As opposed to a fish purse.
Perhaps a place in the city that would sell?
Oh, no.
Sorry, springs, I'm the blacksmith.
I make springs, because that's what blacksmiths do.
Oh, and cogs and bolts.
Cogs and bolts, yeah.
I think I've got some raw ore.
If not, you can find some at the mine.
That's usually where I get it, too.
But I'm pretty sure I got a little bit, at least.
How much did you need?
Well, some, I believe, is what our directions were.
Sprinkles, you might be able to go down to...
Are you looking for edible sprinkles or arts and crafts sprinkles?
See, these are questions that we should have asked.
I would assume sprinkles would be edible,
because the arts and crafts one, that's like glitter.
Yeah, that's more of a glitter.
I also like the tiny candy pieces.
Orchis loves glitter.
Well, Orchis and I have that in common.
It's candy pieces?
Yeah, you know, the tiny pieces of candy,
you'd put them on...
You could probably go down and visit Valerie at the bakery.
She's probably got some sprinkles
that she could hook you up with.
She's still baking goods.
She's got business to run.
She wears like this cup that catches...
Oh, gosh.
It's just a drip cup.
Just sort of a...
Just a drip cup.
It has more of a trough.
Yeah, yeah.
That's a run down like the little, you know, the valley.
This is called your cupid's bow.
Whoa, really?
Well, that's something you learn new every day.
That's something you learn new every day.
Cupid's bow.
Okay.
Hot diggity.
Just like to impart a little bit of wisdom.
Well, Mayor, would you mind if we came with you now
and maybe purchase a few of the items that we need?
Hold please.
We didn't have enough...
Hold on.
We didn't have enough money
to give this guy to do this thing for us.
But that's because he wanted 750 gold.
He wanted a lot of money.
Yeah, I think we had 10 pieces of gold between us.
You had 10 pieces of gold?
I'm talking out of game.
Excuse me, sir, this is a private conversation.
And then he sent us on a shopping trip.
Like, here you go, you poor ass motherfuckers.
Go buy all this stuff for me.
And we're getting here.
We're like, wow, we've walked all this way
and we have very little money on us.
So hopefully we can trade some sexual favors
because that may be the only way we're getting
these springs, cogs, and bolts.
Yeah, of course you can buy the things that I have
and then go visit Valerie.
The fish people, I'm not too sure on.
What else was on your list?
Ooze?
Jelly ooze.
Well, I mean, Valerie's got cups of it.
But that's not really probably what you're looking for.
I don't know what it is.
You don't know what it is, but you're looking for it.
Yeah.
Well, how am I supposed to know what it is
if you don't know what it is?
We were sent to this town and thought maybe it was a thing.
Maybe you were like the jelly ooze capital.
Okay.
Jelly ooze from news.
Oh, isn't that a thing?
Jelly ooze from news.
Well, let's go talk to Valerie,
see if she's got your sprinkles.
Maybe she's got a little,
she's got a beat on some jelly ooze.
Follow me.
I mean, while we're there,
we may as well get a little bit of just jelly.
Right?
Yes.
Just if she's got jelly and doughnut, right?
Just in case.
Pastry, you squeeze it, it oozes out.
Mmm.
It all sounds delightful.
Guys, I don't know if we want the ooze from Valerie's bakery.
Why do you know her?
Well, it just sounds like she's collecting boogers
in a cup we're not listening to.
Is she your ex-girlfriend or something?
It is possible.
Oh.
I see.
I mean, honestly, the jackpot sounds like it's in the mine, really,
if we're going to be collecting mucus.
Yeah.
But perhaps there is like a jam-type substance.
Well, let's go check on the bakery
and go from there, shall we?
Sounds cool.
Welcome to the middle
where we're talking to Cicero.
End of song.
Okay.
Wow.
We have a special guest, middle guest.
Yeah, middle guest.
Oh, yeah, I'm the middle guest.
Yeah, so many guests.
Regular guest Kyle Claset and Cicero's here
to tell us about all the things he's got going on.
What you guys got going on?
Yeah, so one of the really cool things that I got going on
is I'm part of a podcasting network
called The Incomparable.
And coming out soon
is a peak TV draft
where we have created
a streaming service,
a fictional streaming service
where you take four of your
best TV shows from the last 20 years
or of the 21st century
and you get to draft them
into your own streaming service.
We've recorded it.
We put it together.
It was hilarious.
I hosted it. It was a lot of fun.
And you can look it up on The Incomparable.
Look for The Incomparable
in Cicero Homes and you'll find
lots of different things that I've done
as well as that.
And, you know, come for
the peak TV draft
and stay for plenty of other things
at The Incomparable.
The Incomparable on Twitter
and theincomparable.com.
Awesome. Can't wait to see it.
I'll get a link from you too.
Thanks there, Cicero.
Thank you so much for being here with us
in this middle.
We just love having you here.
You were at the live show.
You're in some episodes coming up.
Secret spoilers.
Cicero's here.
Who knows who he's playing?
Who knows what's going to happen?
But we can't wait.
And go check out The Incomparable
and the draft, which obviously
were Lost, Seinfeld,
Barbie's Dreamhouse, and...
Friends.
Oh, I was going to go Blue's Clues
which is like a children's murder she wrote.
Only one of those
shows came out
post-2000.
I don't know how to play the game.
Thank you everybody. Go back and listen to the episode
now and go check out
all the things that are going on over on The Incomparable.
Okay, bye everybody.
Love you, bye.
Yeah, just right up here, around the corner.
I think that Mare should be the mayor.
He is quite the
ambassador. Oh, he's a go-getter.
For the town of News.
I stand at the door and I just kind of
look into the
establishment. Cause I don't know why
but it feels grosser
being in an enclosed building
full of food.
And then I yell,
Why don't you come on over, Valerie?
Cause I've had that song
stuck in my head since we've said Valerie.
We used to cover that
when we played live. A lot of fun.
Great song.
Valerie, Valerie,
we've got some customers here.
You look in and it's a pristine
bake shop. There's not
a smudging site.
Nary a booger to be seen.
Except for
Valerie.
Walks around the corner and clearly
has a contraption strung up
beneath her nose.
She's got gloves on and
is holding her hands out and says, yes,
what's a different voice?
Haven't had a customer in weeks,
everybody's been afraid of the boogers.
Come on in. Yeah, but if you all have
the same sickness, it certainly
shouldn't matter. I thought you'd only been sick
just since the big festival.
Also, great point.
If you've all been sick, is it?
Obviously it doesn't matter. If you're all
sick, people probably still should be eating
food from you at this point. We're not
going to. Have you had any other
visitors that have come in and
fall prey to this sickness?
Visitors
fall prey to the sickness. That
sounds very dangerous. Not like
something Valerie would deal with.
But no, nobody's
fallen prey, except for the people
who currently live here.
Sounds like some hot goss, though.
Do you, Valerie, if you enjoy hot
goss, it sounds like. You know me.
Me and the girls.
Down at the nail salon.
I need to get mine done soon.
They're getting a little haggardy.
The girls in my clan always hung out
down by the artery. Well, it must be
regional. Circles, yes, I suppose
so. Yes, everybody's different.
News. 900 looks at your nails.
Well, maybe you get your nails
done before you go. The news
nails. So what would be
the goss from your friends about
where the sickness came from?
Oh, oh, well, it could have come
from the bobbing apple station.
Oh, Valerie.
Wesley was
he had a little
tickle in his throat.
Oh, we thought maybe he shouldn't
come, but he did.
He did. And he was the first
to bob for apples. And then
you all decide, OK, Wesley is sick.
Now I will put my head in
water. Once you've had a few,
too many, you just go for
it, dear. Just forget
about what happened earlier in the
day. Yeah, yeah.
How long have you been sick?
Oh, since the festival.
Which was how long ago?
Several days.
How many days was it
there, Mayor?
Well, it was
a couple of nights and then another
couple of nights and then another couple
of nights. I'm counting the times the priests have
cleared our nose.
Could have been six
or eight. There was a couple
there was a couple of foggy days in there
before we found that the
priests could do that. Just a stretch
of like just
running all over.
And this priest has lived in your town
before? Yes, yes,
yes, yes. Familiar.
But until now,
you know, you've resided in
town and then took an
oath to
McCuss and
has since taken
stow up in the mines
where the altar is, of
course, that we had previously mentioned.
Question, is your priest
also sick?
Oh, is he
also sick? Was he sick the last
time? No, but he has the bottle
of nose cleaning. So even if he
was, I assume he would take them
more regularly so as to
show that they work.
Makes sense, I guess.
And this priest's name? Priest's name.
The one who is
bestowed upon to
McCuss, the nose-shaped god,
of course,
is
Leroy.
Priest Leroy.
Junkins.
I've got a
question. This bottle,
is it a bottle you drink
out of? Yes, several bottles.
Yes, they're small vials. You know what
bottles are? Tiny glass bottles.
There are many
of them, and we get
one. We drink it.
Flushed.
Next person gets a new one.
Drinks it.
Flushed. So it is only one, though.
Right? Like you
take one.
Yeah. Okay. And here I thought
you were getting a small thing.
For sure, I thought it was a neti pot.
100%.
And that's, you know, kind of a
physical clearing of
the... It can be quite
helpful. It's like letting gravity
take control of it.
Take hold of the wheel.
Just a mild saline
and then it... Interesting.
Yeah. But this is something
you are, you are
ingesting it. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. No, no, no. It's
a bottle, perhaps called
a potion, some sort of fluid.
I'm glad we asked because I was picturing
something just totally different.
And you have to
flush into a receptacle,
a specific receptacle, right?
Oh, yeah. Do you drink it and then you just hang
your face over something? Wait, does it come
out of your face? It comes out of your face
and gets
up the altar.
It gets like sucked out of your
face? Up into the nostril shaped altar.
Into the nostril shaped
altar. Right. Oh, it is
a booger farm.
Yeah.
Yes.
We need to visit this priest.
I want to know what they're up to.
How do I feel about it? Well, I mean,
it clears the sinuses. Well, yeah, but
they're obviously giving you something that's making
you feel like this so that you
have to come back every couple days to
feed the god.
It's a farm. Why would they be
giving us
something to make us not feel well?
Because they are true. Yes, that doesn't
seem like something
a priest-junkins
would do. I like this priest.
I think we're going to get along.
You know what?
Maybe I'm way out of line.
Yeah, I think I've got the wrong picture.
Do you think maybe we could meet these people?
This just all seems so odd.
Yeah, but before we do, we need to get those
springs cogs. Oh, definitely.
Just sprinkles. You got sprinkles, right? Oh, yes.
We've got lots of sprinkles. Valerie, you've got
sprinkles. Oh, all right. And rainbow sprinkles
just by any chance because I think it just sounds
fun. Oh, I was picturing
yeah, I was picturing rainbows
as well. Okay, rainbow sprinkles coming
right up. Do you have any
jelly ooze?
Jelly ooze. We have jelly.
We have jam.
Can we just get a little bit of that?
Jelly and jam
just in a little jar.
Jelly and jam in a jar, if you don't mind.
Just in
a jar.
Look, I'm trying to limit the foley I have to
do. I'm making it work.
It sounded
right.
Like it did sound like a wet
sort of slop sound.
Kind of like when the jam gets stuck to the inside
of the jar and it just kind of pulls away.
Well, there you go, dear.
Your jam
and your sprinkles, the rainbow.
Oh,
that'll be
a couple copper
and I'll toss in an eclair
or five.
How many of you? There's one, two, three, four.
Oh, one is good. You know, just
one. We're all trying
to watch our
pictures. Eat less sugar.
It makes us crazy.
Well, come back another time
then when you're feeling a little peckish.
The eclairs are
very well known for the eclairs in news.
Thank you, Valerie.
Valerie.
You exit.
Grancis is hiding around
a bush outside.
Hey, how'd you
get the goods? Get what we need?
Grancis, you can't do that in public.
What?
Hide behind the bush?
Yeah, hide, sure.
Grancis, there is no way that
his ex-girlfriend in there, even
with crazy face
bucket
of mucus. She was a very attractive
woman. Oh, well, yeah, of course.
Grancis only attracts
the attractive woman.
He does?
Yeah.
You're wearing pajama pants.
And you aren't?
I'm not.
We cut ahead to
Mayor Blacksmiths.
All right, yeah, come on in.
Got your springs?
Crinkle,
crinkle, crinkle.
Got your springs and some cogs and bolts, right?
Let me help. Boing, boing.
Cogs and bolts.
Raw ore.
Let me just go check the back here. I don't see any out here.
All right. What's left on
the list? We got the scales, the
jelly.
That's it. Jelly ooze, scales of fish
person freely given. We've got, if we
get some ore here, we've got the spring
and sprinkles and cogs and bolts.
I mean, I think we're doing
very well.
I mean, I think, I mean,
I know what Vorunax wants to do, but
do we want to get ourselves involved in
this? And help
the priest
bring about the booger god?
Yes.
Wait, that's not what you're talking
about. No, I was going to say to help cure
the town. Is that,
you know, is that on our list?
Well, I mean,
it's not on the list, but
I kind of wouldn't mind going to see the
giant nose. And like, how does it
suck up the nose?
I mean, it sounds like probably
the
grossest thing
I've ever seen.
I used to dump
undead out of like a
like, I've seen
some gross things.
Wait, you got to dump undead out of
what? Well, remember when we, oh
of course you don't remember.
Okay, so this one time,
we're having a big celebration.
So there's no ore in the back.
Oh.
Fresh out of ore.
But you said we
could just go down in the mines.
Absolutely, if you see some, you want
to bring some back, I'd pay you for it too.
Oh.
Speaking of, well, not payment,
but you should probably have this eclair.
I mean, we got it
for mayor, right? I mean.
Yeah, I'd take an eclair.
Yeah.
Thank you.
And yeah, we could, if we get
some extra ore, we'll
bring it back. Great, great.
So yeah, all you, if you're
heading to the mines, that's where you're headed,
right? All you got to do is
follow the path up into the
hills, and then it
meets the mountain, and then
it's just a big wide cavern.
Excellent.
How much for the supplies?
Oh, well, that's just
probably a silver that should cover
you there. And you know what?
I think I'm going to need a clearing too.
If you wait for this evening,
like a few of us will probably be going up
getting the bottle and nose clean
and just taking care of that.
We can actually lead you.
Anyway, you don't get lost. Oh, so
everybody kind of goes at the same,
it's not like as you need it, people
just kind of wander up and get the thing.
Everybody sort of, it's like, is there
any chanting or?
We all kind of went at the same time
the first time, so. Right, so
now you're on a schedule and you just got to kind of.
Yeah, our booger cycles are all synced.
That sounds inconvenient for the priest.
Really is. I mean, he's got
good thing it's only every couple days, because
that way he's got time to fill the
bottles again, you know, bless
them with from the, you know, the
powers of the god of McCuss.
And that way,
when we all go stumbling back,
he can
take care of us. Well, if
they happen to go all
at the same time, perhaps it would be beneficial
if we go before that time,
so that we're not keeping you from your
medication.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, we want to beat the,
we don't want to get in the way of the
nose clearing rush. Sure.
Okay. Roger that.
You got it. But it sounds
like we can probably just find our own.
Our own way seems like it's pretty.
Very good directions. I think I, you know,
I think we're good.
Thank you so much. Okay, well,
we'll see if we see you on the way
or on the way back, you know, crossing paths
depending on the timing.
It's really nice to meet you.
Can't wait until
we get to just, you know, share in like a
market festival together. It seems like you
are just like a raucous bunch who are just like
here to party, you know?
I do love a festival.
What do you mean party?
We cut ahead.
You've traveled up
over the hills,
down to where it meets
the mountain. And there is
a large cavernous opening
at the base of this mountain
that the path leads into.
The directions were perfectly
given. And if this is the place,
then you have been led to an inn.
And from inside,
you hear, as it's
getting to be a little bit dusk,
there is like this
bubbling noise.
Oh, I don't like this.
This warmth that's coming out of the
cave as you
approach it.
Is there light coming
out or just sound?
It's tough to
tell as you approach because the
daylight is obscuring. But as
you get closer, it appears that there
is dim
light,
mostly from like
glowing
lichen
and bioluminescent type
things up along the walls.
No real torch
light or anything that you can tell
from your location.
Well, I know it's just full of snot,
but with the glowing lichen,
it's pretty.
Right? It's kind of pretty here.
It does have some good ambiance, you're correct.
Well, after you, Varnas.
Yeah.
I know how excited you are.
I can tell.
Thank you.
Thank you for trusting me.
I am very excited.
So I just proudly
march my way right on in there.
Varnas, you walk your way in,
and
the cavern narrows
to a path. Is everybody following Varnas?
Oh, yeah. I mean,
I don't want to speak for everyone,
but certainly a lip sync is like
really kind of grossed out,
but, like,
let's do it.
It kind of narrows to
a point
or a path,
and you follow it down, and there's like this
there's this slickness
to the walls as you're walking
in, and you round a corner
and you can kind of see more
torch light from
around this final bend that you're
walking down, and you turn
this corner, and it opens up
into this large chamber
that has this
like side path
and on that path
there is a large, almost
like shop stand set up
like table
a little bit of adornment
and on it is a bunch
of vials, clear vials with
what looks like fluid in them. Standing behind
them is this priest figure.
He's
probably in his late 20s,
early 30s,
very clean cut,
and you
round this bend and see him
and then turn and look, and there
is this
giant, probably
75 foot tall
nose
on the far side of this
chamber that you're in, and it looks
like this fluid
this
gloopy fluid is traveling
up the nostrils
of this
giant nose
statuesque
figure on the
far side. Well,
when they said a giant nose, I
mean, I pictured something pretty big
but this is a really
big nose. I mean, that is a
giant nose.
Have you come
for the nose
cleaning? Oh,
no, no, no.
We came just to
ask you how the summoning
of the booger god was going for you.
Summoning of the booger
god? There's no summoning
here. We are just taking
care of
taking care of
the issue that
Ales news. You're doing really
good. I love it. It's absolutely marvelous
what you're doing here.
I appreciate every bit of it. Thank you.
Thank you. It's for the good of the people. This guy
bullshitting. Roll insight
17. Yeah, you get the sense
that he's not being totally
upfront. Okay.
Like, listen, my onboarding
taught me exactly what it looks like
when you are trying to do
your very first summoning.
You look like you're getting started out.
You look young and present
yourself rather well and
it's necessary to be able to get people to
just follow along, right?
You have to put on that charm.
So, I'll ask
again, how's the
summoning of the booger god coming along?
Ahh. McCuss wants
an update.
Ahh.
And he runs.
Tom Laird as Flint with Kyle
Claset as Vorunax and Russ More as
your dungeon master. Production and sound
design by Russ More. This episode
featured music from Epidemic Sound and
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You have a great week. We'll talk to you soon.
Give us a good one, Carla.
Now's your time to shine.
That's right. If I start, I might not stop.
No, yeah, no, no.
I do always have to cough.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.